Another Me

You, in the In-Between

ohani / June 16, 2025

On that day, we were under the same sky, at the same beach, breathing the same air, watching the same sunset, but the universe made sure our paths never crossed again.

It hurts doesn't it?

It's so clear, even the universe didn't want us to be together. The fact that we were at the same place, on the same day, breathing the same air… yet we didn’t even bump into each other. How could something feel so close, yet be completely out of reach?

"Bertemu lagi mampukah kita?

Menghulur lalu sambut kemesraan

Menghiris hatiku yang terluka

Menghembus titisan embun kasih"

The moment I found out you were there, this song hit me so hard. It suddenly flooded my FYP, as if the universe was echoing my thoughts. I can't help but wonder, if one day we meet again, by chance, walking down the same road;

How would we react?

Would we smile, say Hi and ask how life's been treating each other, or would we just pass by, like two strangers with a shared past we no longer speak of?

And you know what?

Now when I finally understand what The Last Meeting Theory truly means, I'm pretty sure that if we ever crossed paths again, the best we could be... is two strangers who simply walk past each other.

There's no need for us to meet again even the fact is I still carry those memories, still love, still ache. That's what it means to be human. Knowing you were there, on the same day, at the same place and yet, the universe itself will never let us meet again, maybe forever.

While I'm trying to live happily now, I hope you are too. But, maybe you already were, long before I wished it. Isn't that you wanted? To live your life in peace, while I quietly broke over you.

And now, as per your wish;

Be happy, my favorite stranger.

Ohani;

"Moved on but the pain lingers"

3:56 am | 16.6.25

On that day, we were under the same sky, at the same beach, breathing the same air, watching the same sunset, but the universe made sure our paths never crossed again.

It hurts doesn't it?

"Bertemu lagi mampukah kita?

Menghulur lalu sambut kemesraan

Menghiris hatiku yang terluka

Menghembus titisan embun kasih"

How would we react?

Would we smile, say Hi and ask how life's been treating each other, or would we just pass by, like two strangers with a shared past we no longer speak of?

And you know what?

While I'm trying to live happily now, I hope you are too. But, maybe you already were, long before I wished it. Isn't that you wanted? To live your life in peace, while I quietly broke over you.

And now, as per your wish;

Be happy, my favorite stranger.

Ohani;

"Moved on but the pain lingers"

3:56 am | 16.6.25

Hari ini meeting.

Intro meeting dimulakan dengan tazkirah bersedekah dan "jiwa dalam bekerja" oleh Bos. Part bersedekah tu k I boleh faham. Otak I boleh digest dengan mudahnya sebab apa yang Bos pesan, Umi pun dah selalu pesan.

"Bersedekah lah, tak kisah nilai berapa. RM1 pun boleh asal bersedekah."

Easy peasy. Nak buat je culas.

Yang part susah nak hadam adalah apabila Bos secara randomnya masuk part "Jiwa". Automatik masuk bahagian KBKK - Kemahiran Berfikir secara Kritis dan Kreatif. Satu meja meeting loading bila Bos cakap;

"Dalam pekerjaan ni kena ada jiwa bila buat kerja. Kalau ada kepakaran tapi tak ada jiwa dalam bekerja, tak jadi. Kalau ada jiwa tapi tak ada kepakaran dalam kerja pun takpe janji ada jiwa tu."

Ya Allah.

Jam 10 pagi disuruhnya berfikir tahap KBKK;

"Apa bos nak sampaikan ni? Jiwa siapa pula ni?"

Then stopped. Berbalik kepada agenda meeting. Bla bla bla bla bla sampai lah masuk agenda Tender, which is my department. Allhamdulillah, received compliments from him. Setiap kali meeting pun selalu dah received compliments from him actually but today a bit different;

"Saya betul-betul berpuas hati dengan prestasi kerja Hani sebab terlentang ke tertiarap ke dia akan siapkan juga kerja yang saya bagi, tender yang kita masuk. Tak pernah lagi la setakat ni tak sempat hantar, tak sempat siap. Kiranya Hani ni contoh ada jiwa dalam bekerja".

(It was in Kelantanese slang actually, penyampaian "terlentang tertiarap" tu akan jadi lebih sampai lagi sebenarnya kalau dalam Kelate. Oh by the way, please read it as "netey nerak" hahaah. Dalam erti kata lain ribut ke taufan ke badai ke I tetap submit tender on time. Itu sahaja pointnya).

HAH SUDAH.

JIWA LAGI.

Suddenly I tak sedap hati. Yang tadinya tersenyum sebab dapat compliments terus tarik muka emotionless sebab now I felt like Bos nak cakap to someone but he tak nak said directly or sebut nama orang tu directly. Dia berlapik. Padahal at first I ingatkan Bos random je pilih topik JIWA lol rupanya tak eh.

Ada udang di sebalik mee kuah. Alamak sedapnya!

So apa I buat? I avoid eye contacts dulu, nak jaga hati yang lain-lain. Angguk-angguk tanda faham je. Kenapa nak jaga hati? Sebab kita tak tahu Bos nak tuju kat siapa lepas tu so suddenly he mentioned "Hani ni contoh ada jiwa dalam bekerja". Kalau I lah, jadi staff lain masa tu, for sure I akan overthinking "Bos cakap kat aku ke yang takde jiwa?"

So it's better untuk keep poker face dulu. Lepastu masuk agenda Lain-Lain Hal, Alhamdulillah tak drag panjang pun untuk Bahagian Tender.

Dalam tengah berbincang pasal company trip, otak masih tengah duk process, kenapa tiba-tiba timbul isu JIWA? Rasanya kalau kami semua ni tak berjiwa dalam bekerja, for sure kami takkan buat kerja, kami akan selalu ponteng, kami akan ingkar arahan bos. Tapi elok je masing-masing buat kerja part masing-masing.

Jiwa seperti apa yang Bos nak? Haish, misteri en.

Tapi kan.

Ada betulnya juga sebenarnya apa yang Bos sampaikan walaupun kami satu office tak pasti kepada siapa sebenarnya Bos nak tuju penjiwaan itu. Betul, nak buat something kena ada jiwa. Dalam apa jua perkara.

Betul tak? Setuju tak?

Macam I dengan former company for example. To be honest, position kerja yang I dapat tu something yang I memang toksei. Tau toksei? Kitonyo Kelate. Best juga mix words Kelate dalam blog ni hahaha. So previously I've been informed during the interview, kerja I tu more kepada administrative works. Bila dapat offer, I terus accept tanpa fikir panjang. Dengan gaji RM2,000.00, duduk pula Kelate, buat pulak kerja admin, siapa je tak nak terima, kan?

Tapi bila masuk kerja, TIPAH TERTIPU BANG!

My exact position was S-E-R-V-I-C-E S-A-L-E-S Executive which required me to interact with people, do numbers, calculation and etc. Something yang I memang tak suka dari kecik. Well, I can work in a group but to do something like meeting with clients, constantly facing monthly sales targets, persuading clients to buy our products and dealing with client's weird behaviours, no I don't like that. Tapi kalau disuruh buat quotation sales, review contract agreement which required me to hadap laptop tanpa ada interaction dengan manusia, yes, tak tidur pun takpe bila buat kerja tu.

Senang cerita anything yang melibatkan sales dan manusia, tak suka. If sales tapi buat documentation, okay ONZ.

Then, day by day I cuba untuk yakinkan diri I;

"You can do this Hani Musfirah. Kau boleh buat punya."

Eh ini anak nombor 3 lah, pantang mundur sebelum berjuang. Dalam tak minat sales, dalam terpaksa, I boleh je buat semua benda sepanjang 5 tahun berkhidmat. I boleh attend meeting, either face-to-face or virtual, berteman or alone, I boleh attend customer's request to jumpa anytime, anywhere, I boleh travel anytime, walaupun jiwa terhadap kerja tu tak pernah ada.

Lama kelamaan lost interest dengan sendirinya sehinggalah I resigned.

Then, apa bezanya dengan kerja sekarang? Kerja sekarang pun sama je, buat sebab terpaksa. Terpaksa bangun pagi pergi kerja, siapkan kerja yang disuruh, cukup bulan dapat gaji. Terpaksa atas dasar untuk lunaskan commitment sahaja. Tapi jiwa tu mungkin ada sebab tak perlu calculation, tak perlu berhadapan dengan perangai manusia yang bernama "client", tak perlu hadap anxiety meeting, presentation, reach target every month.

Berbalik kepada ayat Bos tadi, kalau nak cakap saya buat kerja sebab ada jiwa terhadap pekerjaan tu, yeah mungkin 10% je kot. Dah tentu-tentu lah saya kena siapkan kerja-kerja tender tu. Kalau saya tak siapkan, saya kena hadap amarah dari Bos, tak campur lagi kerugian beli borang tender etc. So nak tak nak, saya kena siapkan dan hantar dalam dateline yang dah ditetapkan. Bukanlah sebab berjiwa sangat pun hahaha.

In short untuk kerja sekarang: Minat; 10%. Jiwa; 10%. Bertahan untuk commitment ;80%.

Kalau nak cakap pasal minat dan jiwa 100%, I takkan pilih pekerjaan sekarang atau pekerjaan sebelum ni. Video editing, photo editing, writing, coding adalah pekerjaan yang akan I bagi penjiwaan 100%. So nak cakap pasal jiwa dalam pekerjaan ni susah sebenarnya. Kadang tu kita buat kerja yang kena dengan jiwa kita sekalipun, kalau dah mai mood slump tu, tetapkan terkurang juga sana sini.

Senang cerita, enjoy aja lah. Janji kita buat kerja kita, kan? Selagi kita boleh bangun pagi, hadap kerja 9 AM - 5 PM setiap 5 hari seminggu, kerja disiapkan dalam tempoh yang ditetapkan, segala arahan dari pihak atasan sentiasa dijalankan, kira okaylah tu. Tak perlulah pertikai jiwa seseorang dalam bekerja.

Till then,

Ohani;

"Over it before it even started"

3:23 am | 9.5.25

Jiwa.

by ohani on May 09, 2025

Hari ini meeting. Intro meeting dimulakan dengan tazkirah bersedekah dan "jiwa dalam bekerja" oleh Bos. Part bersedekah tu k I bo...

Salam Alaykum people!

Baru-baru ni I ada dapat text from my ex-colleague, saying that he's about to resign from my former company. I tak percaya pun at the first place sebab ex-colleague yang I kenal tu, dia takkan buat keputusan sebegitu nekad sebab banyak commitment yang nak kena tanggung. Plus, member baru tukar kereta baru from Myvi to new Alza haha. Well, that was his excuse dulu la. Then few days later I received another text from him saying that top management suruh turun HQ to settle down pasal benda ni sebab dia dah tender resignation letter on last Monday. Quite shock la for me, tak sangka tak he senekad itu.

But honestly, knowing what's been going on in that company, I tak pelik pun if betul dia submit resign letter. Tak kisah lah gaji tinggi mana, kalau sampai mental heath dan juga physical health you terganggu, you sanggup ke hadap kerja tu lagi? Kalau you sanggup juga, maksudnya you tak sayang diri you though. Bukannya generasi sekarang tak kental, eh hello kami ni Gen-Y tau, Gen Millenials, Gen yang hadap macam-macam cabaran dan dugaan alone, gen yang hadap perubahan zaman tapi kalau dah sampai mental rabak pasal kerja, siapa je tahan. Even Gen-X yang I kenal masa kat former company dulu pun boleh resign dalam umur 40an-50 an sebelum reach age untuk bersara pun lagi. It's mainly due to the company's internal politics and the messy management.

Knowing that my ex-colleague is that brave, even with so many responsibilities to take care of, I really respect him. I faham perasaan nak resign ni. Bukan senang bro, siang malam fikir am I doing the best decision? Am I following the correct path? Tapi berbalik kepada Allah, I put my whole trust to Allah so that akan datang any offer dalam 3 bulan notice resign.Alhamdulillah, I got the offer. Walaupun tak semewah previous salary, dan I kena mula dari bawah balik, but still, ada certain benda yang I boleh bersyukur jauhhhh bila nak compare dengan previous company.

Bagi I, bila seseorang keluar dari comfort zone dia dan ambil langkah besar dalam hidup, that’s the bravest thing they can ever do. Resign kot, bukannya benda semudah ABC. Tambah pula resign tanpa better offer, lagi lah berat nak buat keputusan tu. Apa pun, kalau itu yang terbaik untuk diri kita, buat lah. Beranikan diri untuk keluar dari comfort zone tu.

Terkadang, bila kita dah rasa reach limit untuk bertahan, kita kena lepaskan sesuatu tu dan serahkan semuanya kepada Allah. Kita dah buat yang terbaik, selebihnya biar Dia yang tentukan.

Till then.

Anyeong.

The Courage to Leave

by ohani on May 02, 2025

Salam Alaykum people! Baru-baru ni I ada dapat text from my ex-colleague, saying that he's about to resign from my former company. I tak...

Sebenarnya malas nak ulas pasal benda ni tapi macam kena ulas juga. I don't know what's wrong with my life, but every time I try to get to know someone or let someone into my life, it turns out there's something wrong with them. Ke something wrong with me? Herm. Okay lemme straight to the point. Lelaki lah terutamanya.

I seriously don't know why when it comes to men or relationships, I'm never the lucky one. They either ghost me without any valid reason, turn out to be completely different from who they pretended to be or, I end up meeting someone who's just... pervert and weird? To be honest, seumur hidup, I never let any man come close to me, and I had never been in a relationship until my first relationship from 2022–2024. That turned out to be my biggest mistake, because I let someone into my life for the first time, only for him to break my heart. Makanya, disebabkan umur I pun not that young anymore, I try to dengar my friends punya advice untuk let myself kenal-kenal dengan orang luar. So yeah, I did. Whoever reached out to me on TikTok, I responded to some of them. I even installed a dating app; well not to find a lover la, just for fun. I chatted with a few guys, but it turns out some of them;

Ada yang serious nak kenal, but within 1 day you dah ajak I kahwin? You followed me on TikTok in the morning, tengahari you dah request nak follow IG, lepas tu petang you dah asked for a number. Esoknya terus nak ajak kahwin. Bruh, I don't even know your name yet.

Ada yang nak kenal but baru berapa minit chat, you dah asked for a sleep call. Come on, man, I boleh layan on call but not for someone yang belum kenal. If I dah selesa dengan you, then we can have a call siang malam pun can lah.

Pervert? Nah tak payah cakap. Lelaki macam ni elok humban ke laut je.

Kenal, chat elok je bila tang jumpa face to face (itu pun sekali je pun baru jumpa tau, tak de plan pun nak jumpa terrrjumpa la lebih kurang), eh terus kena ghosting. Ayat ghosting member paling takleh blah "nanti kita keluar minum-minum air" HAHAHAHAH LEPAS TU KENA SIDAI.

Ghosting? HAHAHAHA. Malas nak cakap. Kita yang beria dan bodoh percaya kat dia yang dia betul-betul nak berkawan dengan kita, END UP KENA GHOSTING AHAHAHA.

Nak kata malang tu tak lah tapi I memang takde luck lah dalam percintaan atau dalam apa-apa percubaan untuk kenal dengan mana-mana lelaki. Kadang terfikir juga, am I the ugly one? Am I the red flag one? Tapi kan, red flag ke kalau kita nak jaga batas dengan tak on call with someone yang kita belum betul-betul kenal especially call di tengah-tengah malam? You have plenty of time waktu siang, then why you choose tengah malam juga nak call? 10-11 pm or perhaps 12 am is understandable tapi 1-3 am onwards? Nah, I pilih untuk tido je lah. Okay I tahu, even I chat dengan stranger tu pun dah dikira tak jaga batas but bruh, you nak ke bakal isteri you sejenis yang melayan call orang tengah-tengah malam? Even if I chat dengan you pun, I dah tapis, dah fikir berjuta kali tau nak chat with you, nak reply to your text and sampai ke tahap nak bagi my WhatsApp number to you!

Red flag ke macam tu bro?

And one thing's for sure, I kawan with everyone but giving out my WhatsApp number? Nope, bro, nope. You should feel lucky if I actually give it to you. Tapi you takkan rasa lucky lah kalau you buat semua tu dekat ramai perempuan lain juga. I'm not saying that I’m special to you, or that you are special to me, but there's one thing you should be aware of. Once I give you my number, it means I've allowed you to be part of my life, no matter in what way. Tapi for sure not as a ghost for you to ghost me. Kalau nak jadi hantu, it's better I just delete you from my contacts, right?

Let strangers stay strangers.

Oh one thing, I red flag eh kalau I removed you? Tak kot sebab my circle is my choice, and it's limited to those who are lucky enough and appreciate being part of it. Mana yang hadir dengan niat nak test market, nak ghosting, I am sorry bro. You salah orang bro.

Terkadang, I tak faham dengan lelaki sekarang. Apa yang you semua nak eh? Yang redflag macam ni memang sah-sah la you tak nak kan? Sebab tak suka on call tengah-tengah malam, tak boleh itu tak boleh ini. Lepas tu you nak yang macam mana? Yang senang, yang murah? Senang nak on call, senang nak layan chat, senang nak bagi selfie, senang nak tayang itu ini, yang tu lah? Yang susah-susah ni memang, semuanya red flag kan. Mungkin la, mungkin you nampak I macam mudah, that's why you hadir untuk try luck, try test market then bila you sedar yang I ni tak semudah perempuan lain, you start to ghost me. Childish la you.

Argh shibal saekki betul. Ish sorry termencarut in Korean language lol.

So please lah, to anyone out there, janganlah amalkan ghosting ni. Cuba ingat balik bila you nak kenal dengan someone, you bagi salam dengan elok, you bagi ayat proper itu ini just to get their number. Bila dah dapat number, bila dah chat, you rasa dia tak boleh penuhi apa yang you nak, you rasa dia tak memenuhi ciri-ciri yang you nak, then leave in a respectful ways. It's okay pun to walk away from someone yang you rasa you tak boleh nak click, cuma jangan sesekali ghosting orang. Not good la sebab orang akan tertanya-tanya what's his/her fault. Takyah bagi valid reason pun, just cakap dah tak boleh chat. That's it. Ini tak, datang awal-awal cakap nak kawan lah, nak kenal lebih dekat lah lepastu ghosting then act like strangers. Eh sakit hati tau kena macam tu!

From my side too, I pun nak say sorry to everyone yang kalau-kalau I pernah ghosting tapi rasanya tak ada. I akan ghosting kalau orang tu start ghosting dulu or bagi dry text walaupun pada awalnya dia lah terpaling tak dry text. Once dah tak ada two ways communication, once I dah boleh rasa that your side pun tak nak bagi apa-apa connection lagi, then I'll delete your number, unfollow you and remove me from your following list. Simple. Sebab as for me, kalau datang dengan ayat "nak kawan" then kawan elok-elok bukan jadi strangers after a few days of chat.

Ingat, dalam hidup ni jangan nak fikir diri sendiri je. Jangan nak fikir test market sendiri je. Jangan nak mainkan orang je. Ingat sikit, kita ni ada adik beradik, ada ahli keluarga and soon kalau you kahwin pun you akan ada anak-anak. Jangan buat kat orang lain, jangan jadikan orang lain bahan mainan you kalau you tak nak semua benda tu terjadi kat ahli keluarga you balik suatu hari nanti. Tak doakan yang buruk-buruk pun tapi jangan jadikan sesiapa pun dalam dunia ni bahan mainan, bahan gurauan. Setiap orang ada hati dan perasaan.

Till then, annyeong dari saya yang buruk dan tak cantik sebab tu asyik kena ghosting dengan lelaki heee bye!

Not Your Plaything

by ohani on April 29, 2025

Sebenarnya malas nak ulas pasal benda ni tapi macam kena ulas juga. I don't know what's wrong with my life, but every time I try to ...

Nak tahu tak.

For the rest of my life, I never defend myself. I just let them be. Sampailah ke satu tahap, I'm the bad person, I'm the complicated one. Prinsip hidup I, I tak nak gaduh dengan sesiapa, I tak nak ada bad memories with anyone tapi dari kecik, people keep blaming me for everything that happens. People keep misunderstanding me. Padahal I didn't even do anything.

Dan, nak tahu apa yang paling sakit?

Apabila you just wanted to express what you feel, you just wanted to explained your side tapi akhirnya tetap you juga yang dipersalahkan. Tetap, you jugalah puncanya. Sakit tak?

Sebab itu lah bila dah selalu sangat jadi macam ni, I decided untuk tak bercerita, tak berkongsi dengan sesiapa anymore. Sebab at the end of the day, even after I’ve explained everything I feel, somehow; I’m still the problem. It’s always me. They always blame me. I’m always the cause; even when I’m not.

Kalau orang cakap, kita pun kena muhasabah diri, jangan terlalu negative. But what if I did muhasabah diri and I even stayed positive with people around me, tapi kadang bila I share something yang tak ada kaitan dengan I pun, pusing sana sini eh it's my fault too. Sampai otak I pun jem sebab I thought just now I shared pasal benda lain, tapi why blame on me too?

Aish sakit pala.

Penat betul jadi me.